I cannot find my penis.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend