I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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