I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
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