i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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