I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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