First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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