Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
