Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
