THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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