She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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