well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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