ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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