you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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