What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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