First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ladies don't puke and tell
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
