i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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