I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
