I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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