I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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