I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
