I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sponge bath it is.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
