reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
sarcasm needs its own font
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
