i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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