You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
