I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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