I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
