If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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