I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
