dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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