oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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