he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
