Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
