I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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