I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
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I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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