When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
