Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I need a beard to bite.
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