He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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