I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
