i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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