This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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