The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
