When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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