I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
