even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
