there's paper in my vomit.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
