Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You don't make any sense
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