Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
