I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
