I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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