Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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