Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
