we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
