I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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