Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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