as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
