i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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