he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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