you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
