Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
