i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
