My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
