Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
